up and down

It's been hard to keep things together for the past 6 months. I can't tell if I am having the time of my life or if it is all just falling apart. My friend with cancer keeps getting bad news, I lost my job, and my car was totaled while parked. I feel like I am trapped at home with nothing to do but think! That can be bad for someone like me. I really just want to be happy. I don't need anything too fancy in life. I would be happy with a decent paying job, a Toyota, my kitty cats, a sweet bf, and my sweet friends! Like Beth Ditto sings "i don't want the world...i just want what i deserve!" I feel that way. Luckily, through all of these frustrating situations I have had wonderful friends there for me. They keep me busy and keep my mind from getting too muddled with the negative. Tomorrow, or well technically today, I have an interview for a job I really want and an appointment to look at a car I really want. It seems like things could really turn around tomorrow. It also opens the door for a lot of potential disappointment. I have always been willing to accept nothing or the worst to avoid disappointment. It is the same mindset that keeps me from dating or going after my dream of being a psychologist. I am scared. I know they are simple things and I am more than capable to do almost any job BUT I have been having a hard time with them lately. Logically, I am awesome. The illogical side of me begs to differ. I am going to be 30 in less than a month. I need to learn it is ok to believe in myself. It is ok to want things. It is possible to get what I want. I deserve a happy life but only I can make it happen.

watermelon lemonade

sooooooooo i failed at not smoking this weekend. i am pretty disappointed in myself. i am definitely trying very hard to quit. gin and cigarettes just go perfect together. i had a lovely memorial day. i spent some with my family but most of it with my friends. today i went to a cookout and made watermelon lemonade. it is my new favorite thing!!!!!!!!! i have a bunch of lemonade recipes and i am going to try each and every one out this summer!

sad times

So this week i received some very tragic news. One of my good friends for over a decade found out he has cancer in multiple places in his body. We kind of were expecting he had cancer but no idea it would be this bad. The news took my breath away. I was at work and instantly started sobbing. Later that night I hung out with this friend. I was amazed at his good attitude. He told me that death isn't an option and i believe him. He has always been a very determined person and i know that he can make it thru this. He is someone who's ability to make things happen has always impressed me. He has booked so many awesome shows in my area, put together fests, travelled, managed to not have a job for almost the entire time I have known him, and started a record label. He can make it thru this too! The doctors say that the type of cancer he has responds well to treatment so that is awesome! I also want to say that I have been truly touched by the response of the community here and all the people out of town too. It is such a scary time and it is beautiful to see that so many people are willing to put forth effort, kind words, money, time, and whatever is needed. <3

I have made it a personal goal to quick smoking because of this. I myself had heart surgery as a child and feel like i take my health for granted. My friend had been straight edge for many years and he still is burdened with lung cancer. Another reminder that life isn't fair. I really do want to stand is solidarity and not take my health for granted any more!

I am also making it a goal to actually start blogging. I am not good with layouts and computer stuff but i will figure it out!

ruint

i have heard it said that pop punk helps perpetuate sadness. All the songs about unrequitted love, low self esteem, being outta luck just make it easier to live those self fulfulling prophecies. honestly, i fit those descriptions. pop punk cannot be blamed for my inadequacies. if anything it should be glorified. imagine having shitty relationships, shitty self esteem, a shit job, shit luck, and NOT having pop punk to turn to! i can't stand the thought!

songs getting me thru the week:
king friday- old miluakee
bent outta shape- tell me why
andrew jackson jihad- heartilation
house boat- my life hurts
the gateway district- river trash